That's right. I can't stand bad parkers.
i'm not talking about people who "illegally" park in Handicap Spots, or the "Expectant Mother Parking" (bullshit) or "Law Enforcement Only" spots (also complete bullshit) I'm talking about your everyday douche nozzles who can't seem to squeeze their 2 ton automobile in between the generous lines clearly painted onto you average supermarket parking lot. Or even worse, deliberately take up more space to "protect" their precious whips from scratches and dings.
You fucking people are the scourge of the Earth and the entire world would be better if you just died in a car fire. (or, in less drastic measures, learned to follow the guidelines set forth in the Driver's Handbook, for Fuck's Sake) Yes, I know, you're in a hurry. So is pretty much everyone else (except the 95 year old fucks who get in my way when I'm late for work). That's not an excuse to act like you're somehow MORE special than everyone else and have no need to go along with the Social Contract. You're an inconsiderate asshole of Unicron proportions (that's an exaggeration...and a great Transformers reference!) and need get hit upside the head with the Common Sense Stick.
Fuck You.
But to be honest...I kinda like you fucking assclowns. Your self-centeredness gives me Conscience and Guilt-Free Reign to practice my favorite sport. Civic Vigilante Justice. (I'm not too keen on the name, but it's the best one that comes to mind off the top of my head. If you got a better one, please feel free to let me know. You too can be part of my Vigilante Justice League!)
Basically, whenever I see one of "you fucking people" ...I roll right up to your windshield and hock the biggest fucking lougie I can possibly muster right onto the driver's side. Hoping that you'll maybe take a hint and not be such an asshole next time. Now I know this most likely does nothing to curb your horrible behavior, but I know that it's gonna piss you off. Good. Cuz when I see this shit it pisses me off.
Just today, as I was going into my local Tobacco Depot to pick up my bi-monthly cigar supply, I could have parked right up by the Chinese Take-Out place next door. Except some goddamn Snowbird from...I dunno, Wisconsin or someplace (cheese eating fat fucks) decided that they didn't care if they accidentally took up two spaces. So I parked a little further away and proceeded to exact my Civic Justice. Twice even! The fuckbag was still parked there when I left the Depot with my tobacco treasures!
This isn't even the best story I've got. One time, at a Wachovia (I think they're Wells Fargo or 5/3rd or BMO Harris or some shit now) I came out to find some cock-monkey parked thiiiiiiis close to my Jeep Cherokee (I miss you, Hate-mobile...). So proceed to smash my door into his passenger side door. Several times. Extremely hard. Like, I'm pretty sure I damaged my door as well. But totally worth it. I'm positive I did hundreds of dollars worth of damage.
Hell, I pulled a similar stunt recently with the Moon Rover, and part of my outer door panel fell the fuck off. I'm pretty hard core sometimes, and I don't give a shit what my car looks like.
One particular time, some waste of semen decided that it was okay to park his "big ol' truck" in the fire lane outside of a Walmart. So, I did my usual Lougie Hocking...and my ex, Kassandra, proceeded to give me road head all the way home. She could be pretty awesome sometimes. And apparently Social Justice gets her wet in the pants.
Which reminds me of the time some dickballs pulled the "parking too close" bullshit at the Sarasota Health Department. We changed her son's dirty diaper and left it face down on the driver's windshield. I'm pretty sure that one takes the cake as the best moment of Vigilante Justice. It was quite a beautiful moment, really.
So this is a friendly reminder. Park like an asshole, and you just might regret it. Cuz you never know who has a bottle of stale urine in their backseat waiting to get poured in or on your car.
Think I'm kidding? Fucking try me.
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