Everyone hates bad drivers. Even Bad Drivers hate other bad drivers, this is a scientific fucking fact. But you know what I hate more than people who refuse to obey the Rules Of The Road? People who refuse to acknowledge the goddamn Rules of the fucking Parking Lot.
That's right. I can't stand bad parkers.
i'm not talking about people who "illegally" park in Handicap Spots, or the "Expectant Mother Parking" (bullshit) or "Law Enforcement Only" spots (also complete bullshit) I'm talking about your everyday douche nozzles who can't seem to squeeze their 2 ton automobile in between the generous lines clearly painted onto you average supermarket parking lot. Or even worse, deliberately take up more space to "protect" their precious whips from scratches and dings.
You fucking people are the scourge of the Earth and the entire world would be better if you just died in a car fire. (or, in less drastic measures, learned to follow the guidelines set forth in the Driver's Handbook, for Fuck's Sake) Yes, I know, you're in a hurry. So is pretty much everyone else (except the 95 year old fucks who get in my way when I'm late for work). That's not an excuse to act like you're somehow MORE special than everyone else and have no need to go along with the Social Contract. You're an inconsiderate asshole of Unicron proportions (that's an exaggeration...and a great Transformers reference!) and need get hit upside the head with the Common Sense Stick.
Fuck You.
But to be honest...I kinda like you fucking assclowns. Your self-centeredness gives me Conscience and Guilt-Free Reign to practice my favorite sport. Civic Vigilante Justice. (I'm not too keen on the name, but it's the best one that comes to mind off the top of my head. If you got a better one, please feel free to let me know. You too can be part of my Vigilante Justice League!)
Basically, whenever I see one of "you fucking people" ...I roll right up to your windshield and hock the biggest fucking lougie I can possibly muster right onto the driver's side. Hoping that you'll maybe take a hint and not be such an asshole next time. Now I know this most likely does nothing to curb your horrible behavior, but I know that it's gonna piss you off. Good. Cuz when I see this shit it pisses me off.
Just today, as I was going into my local Tobacco Depot to pick up my bi-monthly cigar supply, I could have parked right up by the Chinese Take-Out place next door. Except some goddamn Snowbird from...I dunno, Wisconsin or someplace (cheese eating fat fucks) decided that they didn't care if they accidentally took up two spaces. So I parked a little further away and proceeded to exact my Civic Justice. Twice even! The fuckbag was still parked there when I left the Depot with my tobacco treasures!
This isn't even the best story I've got. One time, at a Wachovia (I think they're Wells Fargo or 5/3rd or BMO Harris or some shit now) I came out to find some cock-monkey parked thiiiiiiis close to my Jeep Cherokee (I miss you, Hate-mobile...). So proceed to smash my door into his passenger side door. Several times. Extremely hard. Like, I'm pretty sure I damaged my door as well. But totally worth it. I'm positive I did hundreds of dollars worth of damage.
Hell, I pulled a similar stunt recently with the Moon Rover, and part of my outer door panel fell the fuck off. I'm pretty hard core sometimes, and I don't give a shit what my car looks like.
One particular time, some waste of semen decided that it was okay to park his "big ol' truck" in the fire lane outside of a Walmart. So, I did my usual Lougie Hocking...and my ex, Kassandra, proceeded to give me road head all the way home. She could be pretty awesome sometimes. And apparently Social Justice gets her wet in the pants.
Which reminds me of the time some dickballs pulled the "parking too close" bullshit at the Sarasota Health Department. We changed her son's dirty diaper and left it face down on the driver's windshield. I'm pretty sure that one takes the cake as the best moment of Vigilante Justice. It was quite a beautiful moment, really.
So this is a friendly reminder. Park like an asshole, and you just might regret it. Cuz you never know who has a bottle of stale urine in their backseat waiting to get poured in or on your car.
Think I'm kidding? Fucking try me.
I originally wanted to write this last night, but I was tired and needed some sleep. But it's a good thing I waited, really, cuz I literally just got off the phone with my best friend, Chris, and this is a subject we can talk about for days on end.
The subject, of course, is Hollywood adaptations of our favorite books (or comics, or older films). Two of my current favorite TV shows are adaptations, HBO's Game of Thrones and Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Yes, SHIELD Show is more of a...free form adaptation with a whole lot of wiggle room, but I'm counting it, motherfucker, so fuck you.
They are both fucking excellent, and a testament to how well you can adapt literature to broadcast television. And just to keep things more streamlined, I'm most likely going to concentrate on TV and Web show adaptations rather than film, cuz we all know that most books are extremely difficult to transform to feature length movies. Also, it's gonna be pretty Stephen King heavy cuz fuck you, he's my favorite writer and it seems like there's a plethora of his stuff getting put on TV lately. (Do you even know what plethora means..?)
Last Sunday, viewers of FXX were treated to a strange show at 1:30am titled Winter Dragon. It was adapted as a "pilot" of sorts of the prologue chapter of Robert Jordan's The Eye of the World. That book is the first in the epic (both size and scope) fantasy series The Wheel of Time. This is something I've waited 17 goddamn years for. I've been a fan of this book series since my high school buddy put the first book in my hand telling me I fucking HAVE to read this. It's been a journey of gargantuan proportions, with many heartbreaking moments including the death of author Robert Jordan (born James O. Rigney) and the final trilogy having to be finished by fantasy author Brandon Sanderson (from notes compiled by Jordan himself prior to his impending death from cardiac amyloidosis... don't ask me, I had to look it up...)
17 years, people. 17 fucking years. My father waited over 20 for the last Dark Tower book (there's SK again!) so that's the fucking time period I'm dealing with here.
Problem is, Winter Dragon was...I don't wanna say lame, but to quote another favorite author Chuck Palahniuk, it's the first word that comes to mind. This series has the potential to be, again for lack of a better term, the next Game of Thrones. A cleaner version, but still supremely awesome. However, Red Eagle Entertainment (the rights holders) dropped the fucking ball. Big time. They've been fumbling with this property since around 2000, and they've mismanaged fucking everything from an unfinished comic book to an unfinished video game. Fucking sad.
They threw this pilot together on a shoestring budget (even tapping Billy fucking Zane to appear as Ishamael) and the whole thing would have made a fucking excellent 10 minute cold open a la Game of Thrones. This whole mess was just an excuse to retain the film rights from the Bandersnatch Group (Jordan's Estate) but for the life of me, I fucking can't understand why. You dropped the fucking ball for 15 years, let it go.
If you're interested in reading more about it you can find more info here...here...here...and at i09.
That being said, I'm looking forward to new adaptations of Stephen King Classics The Stand and IT. Fuck yeah. I'm dating myself here, but the ABC mini series of those two works made in the 1990's was pretty decent. Pennywise STILL scares the shit out of me (Tim Curry for the win!) and I get nervous around storm drains. Particularly when I visited Bangor, Maine.
But they're doing them again, and for damn good reason. The Mick Garris helmed teleplays are incredibly dated. The special effects are more like special ed. The cast was fucking epic as fuck. We're talking Seth Green, Jonathan Brandis, John Ritter, Richard Thomas, Tim goddamn Curry, just in IT alone. The Stand, released in 1994, featured Rob Lowe, Molly Ringwald, Ruby Dee, Gary Sinise, Jamie Sheridan, Matt Frewer, Miguel Ferrer, Bill Fagerbakke, Laura San Giacomo, Corin Nemec, Ray Walston...and a shitload more. And it wasn't bad for the mid 90's.
But if you haven't already heard, Matthew McConaughy will be playing the villainous role of Randall Flagg. Flagg is King's...flagship...bad guy. He's fucking epic as fuck, and I really hate that word (despite using it multiple times in this piece alone). Perfect. Fucking Casting. I can't fucking wait. And the only thing that I ask for is that McConaughy has a little button on his denim jacket that says "How's Your Pork?" ...King fans will understand.
There's been a few King adaptations recently. 2006's anthology series Nightmares & Dreamscapes, broadcast on TNT, was pretty spectacular. The very first installment based on the short story "Battleground" was killer. Starring William Hurt and directed by none other than Brian motherfucking Henson (son of St. Jim Henson and the current voice of Kermit the Frog...if I'm not mistaken) features ZERO fucking dialogue. It's a cinematic masterpiece. I've been told the film version of "Big Driver" is also excellent and I look forward to checking it out. Even if it is Lifetime Channel fodder. But I do love Maria Bello.
King's JFK thinkpiece, 11/22/63, is being produced by Netflix (the future of broadcast web entertainment, but that's another rant) will have James Franco in the lead role. I'm pretty jazzed about this; I fucking love Franco. It's an exciting time for King fans, to say the least.
But there's been a misstep or two. The big one is the shitstorm that is Under the Dome. Fucking Under the Dome, man...holy shit. I tried. I wanted to like it. Dean Norris from Breaking Bad (and Starship Troopers!) plays the villain. But it's like the goddamn Richard Bachman version of the story (King fans will understand). I spent the whole first season watching religiously every Monday night just to fucking make fun of it. But the show went so far into left field that even ragging on it wasn't fun anymore. Not to even mention the hackey fucking writing. They fucking ripped off Fight Club in one episode for Fuck's Sake!! ("Hit me as hard as you can!!") I quit three episodes into the pathetic second season.
Bad Fucking Television. Thanks CBS, why don't you give us another NCIS while you're at it.
I'm just saying, maybe sometimes it's better to just leave a piece of art or literature in the format that it' already exists in. Do we need a live action version of Akira? No. We don't. It already exists in the format that it should be in.
But hey. At least Harry Potter got it right. Fuck Yeah JK Rowling!!
Twelve odd years ago I used to be able to go out on a busy Sunday night to Downtown Oceanside, CA and wait 20 minutes or so for a 5 minute haircut. And it makes me so fucking pissed-off and sad sometimes that I don't live in that particular world anymore.
I have this really awful habit of putting off haircuts for months at a time. Often it's just that I don't have the time, but I also procrastinate because I'm poor as fuck. Back in...2006?...I started wearing my hair in this weird pseudo-samurai tail with the sides and back shaved clean (most of the time), and I did that mostly because if push came to shove I could just do it myself. I looked a little silly, really. So after being harassed by numerous women in my life who had seen pics of me with short hair, I went to a salon and got it cut. It looked great and I was happy with my hair for the first time in years. I even donated the clippings to Locks Of Love. None of these women have subsequently let me take them on a date.
But salon pricing is often out of my price range, and even though Miss Eva does a fucking incredible job, I just can't afford it, so I've been kinda trying to steer toward local barber shops. I like to frequent "Mom & Pop" places here in Bradenton. Keep it local, ya know? So I decided to walk on down to the barber shop down the road, CAPS Barber Shop.
I went in and wasn't even greeted at all. Bad sign. There's like this...waiting room thing and there's a water cooler and a Foosball table. And some dude's backpack chilling on the floor in front of the only open seats. Great. But I sit down with my copy of Emily Post's Etiquette and wait my turn. I sat there, trying to read, for probably over an hour. All the while these clowns are taking 20 odd minutes to cut some kid's fucking hair. Place starts filling up. And then I was skipped in favor of some doddering old man.
Alright. Fuck this.
I alight back to my house in a bit of a rage (no kidding, right?) and look up some local places. I decide on this place that's sort of in the 'hood, and get in the Moon Rover. Which of course pisses me off more because the last thing I want to do when I'm already goddamn angry is get behind the wheel of my Jeep. Fuck!
But on my way, I see this other place that's not far from Castle Discordia. Creative Images, at Manatee & 26th. Why didn't I remember this before, I thought to myself. So I pull in, kind of excited that I didn't have to go very far at all. There's even a great big banner saying WALK-INS WELCOME! Sweet. Well, not so damn sweet after all. Inside there's a very nice black lady patiently waiting on...I dunno. Cuz the proprietor (?) asks me what I need and I reply, "I'd like to get a haircut, please."
"I'm sorry, everyone's at the Regatta and there's no one to help you."
Wait, what the fuck? I stifle my exacerbating rage to scream things like "Well why the fuck are you even open then!? What the fuck is wrong with this fucking town!? Who the fuck do I have to blow to get the shit cut off my goddamn head!?" ...and other things of that nature. Instead, I sigh and make my way back out into fucking Saturday afternoon traffic.
Onward south, I keep driving, to Pam's Barber Shop on 5th St. The Internet told me they were open till 11:00pm, and after fighting slow-ass traffic on Cortez, I find that once again the Internet has lied to me (fucking thing does it all the time). 11:00am is when they close. Missed it by two fucking hours.
Next up, Fucktastic Sam's in Bayshore Gardens Plaza. After being cut off by some fucking douche-bag Soccer Mom in a giant SUV, fiddle-fucking with her phone (I of course screamed the words "Fucking Cunt" as I am wont to do in these situations) I go into the place to find what amounts to a small crowd waiting patiently for their turn.
Fuck no. Hell the Fuck no.
Now my bitter rage at how simple life used to be is edging toward Day Drinking & Bitter Depression. So I get back on the road and figure I'll try some other chain barber up towards Manatee Ave. As I'm cruising up 26th approaching Cortez (again!!) I suddenly remember seeing a place on the Google Map that was in the same plaza as Home Depot.
Okay, last chance. I pull in and the parking lot looks a little deserted. Little did I know that this was actually a really good sign. I walk into Lakeside Barber Shop, and even though there was yet another doddering old man who looks like he doesn't even need a damn haircut...I'm immediately seated. I tell the sweet Latina lady that I'm looking for a haircut that's a little more military-style than she's probably used to. (My Marine friends would understand the term Medium Reg, but no one else does.) I describe it, and approximately 10-15 minutes later, the bush on my head is gone and my hair looks sleek & stylish as fuck.
Cost me $12 and even gave her a $5 tip because it took her longer than normal. Between the quick and beautiful service, the old school barber shop conversation and the smooth jazz playing, I'm pretty sure they've earned a customer for life.
Fuck Yeah Lakeside Barber Shop!!
You drive like an asshole. Yes... you do. Everyone does.
But let me rant about one of my biggest driving pet peeves. If you're anything like me (or like anyone else who commutes to a job, I suppose) then you probably hit a few Major Intersections on your drive too and from your place of employment. These are a fucking nightmare for me. I do everything reasonably possible to avoid shit like that. As a matter of fact, I take 26th St. south instead of 14th St. (US Highway 41) strictly because there are fewer large intersections.
Now, my drive TO the Shop isn't all that bad. Used to be better, but I go to work later than I used to... and I honestly can't justify leaving earlier just to beat traffic (mostly school buses). Also, I'm tired and lazy in the mornings. My commute home, on the other hand, is pretty awful sometimes. Occasionally I catch a sweet break and all the Non-Driving Assclowns are home sick or have to work late or something. And that's a pretty sweet gift, let me tell ya! But mostly is sucks dog balls and makes me tear what's left of my greying hair out. It's probably why I have grey hair to begin with...
Today's rant concerns one particular intersection, but could be used in similar intersections all over this great country of ours. Fucking Cortez & 26th. It's not the worst in Bradenton (that goes to 15th St. & Manatee Ave.) but it gets an honorable mention because it's so goddamn ubiquitous. Can't get around it. I've tried. Driving north on 26th St. in the afternoon is a pain in my (shriveled) dick. Cuz there's no turning lane (better known as a Suicide Lane) so every time some goober has to make a left, traffic in that lane has to come to a complete stop, often for several minutes.
Now, mostly I can get over that. See, I tend to keep in that left lane because I don't want to be the one sitting in the right lane when everyone wants to turn. Because I realize I'm not the only person on the road during Rush Hour and I don't want to be a dick. So I keep left until I really need to. But that's not quite what this rant is about...
This concerns the fucking morons who REALLY don't know how to plan their route. Or have any concern at all about where they are going or how to get there. I'm talking about the fuckheads who should have made a left at Cortez Rd. and then made a right into the CVS parking lot...but instead, they cross Cortez and proceed to try to make a left into the CVS parking lot. Problem is, traffic is backed up north of the intersection for 2 blocks. So now, because of their lack of planning and self-centeredness, traffic is continually backing up into the intersection.
Because they need their fucking pain pills and they don't understand or fucking care that there's a quarter mile of cars behind them, most of which contain people who just got off work and just want to get the fuck home so they don't strangle the next douche bag they see who refuses to learn how to fucking drive!!
I wish I could blame it solely on Snowbirds, but this shit happens year round. Jeezus Fuck Kryste, I hate the people who drive in this town (county, state)!!
This is why I'm becoming a goddamn Bike Commuter.
Yeah, that's right. It's Super Bowl fucking Sunday, and I'm gonna rant about Football. Because, of course I am. Got a fucking problem with it? ...didn't fucking think so, now SIT DOWN!!!
Now, I'm not gonna bitch about the actual Super Bowl, because...well...as a Militant Atheist, I hate holidays (that's not true, I hated holidays before reading Harris & Dawkins) mostly because of their Religious origins (also not true, I just hate the ultra-capitalistic bullshit that they've evolved into. Yeah. That's right. EVOLVED.) So what better reason to throw a great big party than around some big Sportsball Game. Whatever. Party your brains out.
I honestly just get weirded-out by incredibly violent and mean-spirited Sports Rivalries. Weirded-Out may be the wrong word... Fascinated isn't it, but it's the best word that comes to mind. Years ago, my father was at some NASCAR event (not that he follows it, but sometimes he'd go to Daytona just for some fun) and he was wearing his usual blue Boston Red Sox hat. The very same kind of hate I traditionally wore for many years. (I'll get to that...) Well some particularly prickly New York Yankees fan comes up to my dad, a man he has never met in his life, and yelled something along the lines of "HEY!! Red Sox fucking SUCK!!"
To quote my favorite show, the Goldbergs... Who does that!?
Sports fans do that.
And this is why I don't wear hats with sportsball teams on them anymore. Thanks, Sports Fans (Assholes), you've made me give up the last vestige of simple hometown pride. I honestly don't care about the Red Sox all that much (but when they broke the Curse of the Bambino, I celebrated...and I might have watched Fever Pitch a couple times) but it was a nice reminder of where I come from. But I gave it up, cuz I got tired of Yankees Assclowns always having something to fucking say. I even switched to a hat emblazoned with my New Hometown team, the Minor League Bradenton Marauders...which is a "B".
And I still got questions about fucking Boston.
Like, what the fuck, people? I know they've been going away from the official colors and shit, making all-black, or pink for the ladies, but for crying out loud, the "B" is a different shape and the RED Sox wouldn't use Black and Gold!! (Those are Pittsburg Colors...go Pirates...) So fuck it. I adopted the pork pie look instead. Fuck your stupid team.
I've gotten away from the point...
The rivalry between Kansas & Missouri goes back to before the Civil goddamn War. Bleeding Kansas, motherfucker. Look that shit up. Now. ...I'll wait...
Good, now then... That's some serious shit. But it's also really fucking stupid. Michigan & Ohio State, same deal. Except without the slavery thing. I think... I'll have to do some research. My point is, it's fucking stupid, and people will fucking fight over anything. Even College Football Teams they never fucking played for and never goddamn went to school with. What the fuck? Why is this okay?
And to be honest, I'm a little sketchy when it comes to Professional Sports Teams. These are grown men being paid MILLIONS OF DOLLARS to play a children's game. Millions. Of American Dollars. Have you ever actually thought about that for a minute? They complain about not being paid enough to pass a fucking ball around like a fucking dingus, meanwhile, I can barely make rent.
Some of you are in the same boat.
Silly isn't it? But I don't mean to rain on your Super Bowl Party. I know it's just the way things are and there's nothing I can do about it. Fuck The System, I guess. But most of you don't care and are barely paying attention anyway.
Get back to your party. And Go Sportsball.
(PS. I might be from Boston, but I think all the "deflated ball" memes are hilarious!!)
