Dude, I can’t dance.
It’s a combination of being white, having no coordination and being really, really shy. That being the case, I’ve always found myself very uncomfortable at dance clubs. I never really danced much except one time at In Extremis (back in the day!!) and sometimes in my room wearing only boxer shorts, getting down to Madonna’s “Into the Groove”.
Don’t laugh. You do it, too.
However, during my early twenties, I often found myself at Country Music Dance Halls. So there I was, Captain Shy listening to music I couldn’t stand in an environment that made me super self-conscious. It’s a wonder how I ever got laid. But I did.
But that’s not the point.
You see, it was these dance clubs that I was familiarized with line dancing. I always thought it looked kinda cool; everyone dancing in synchronization with each other. But I’m an uncoordinated doofus with two left feet, so I never indulged. One time in San Dimas (San Dimas High School Football Rules!!!) a cute girl tried to teach me to two-step, but it never took.
So I would play pool and drink till I couldn’t feel feelings anymore.
The thing is, They’d play these really fuckin’ annoying songs. Songs that weren’t even really songs. Like “the Stroke”. Goddamn that song is fuckin’ annoying.
So I started avoiding dance halls like the fuckin’ plague. Every time we go to Ybor, Art always wants to go to some fuckin’ hip-hop club, like Empire or the Full Moon Saloon. Luckily his ass gets out-voted and we usually wind up at Gaspar’s Grotto.
The thing is, a year or so ago, I wound up at the Gator Club in Downtown Sarasota for my friend CeCe’s birthday. I dropped in for a bit and got wrangled into a group dance by my friend Stephanie. It’s hard to say no to her cuz she’s very pretty…I mean, convincing. ANYWAYZ, I feel out the little moves and it’s not all that complicated, so I join in.
It was kinda fun, but due to having a robot knee, it gets to be very fucking painful. And that was how I was introduced to the Cupid Shuffle.
At first, I didn’t mind it. I tried again a few weeks later when my friend Rockei was hosting karaoke at Ace’s Lounge in Bradenton. Again kinda fun, super painful. That was it, I gave up on being able to dance. It’s a shame, too, cuz I would have liked to perhaps learn to ballroom dance one day. Bummer.
So I started to resent hearing the Stupid Shuffle. Resentment turned quickly to anger. You see, I avoided dance clubs, because I prefer rock & roll bars and karaoke dives. There should be less of a chance of running into this shit if you don’t go to the places it’s played.
But no, Rockei and Dean would put this garbage on about halfway thru the night during karaoke. No thanks guys, I came here to sing, not listen to garbage music while heifers get their proverbial “groove on”. So I would get pissed. Then Cupid Shuffle would lead into various other stupid fucking dances…I’d start getting super pissed.
Karaoke is an addiction, people. Actually, performing is the real addiction. Karaoke is really my methadone to playing in a band. I NEED to get onstage and sing or I’ll fucking lose it. I watched the movie Duets, which is about karaoke, and I got an overwhelming desire to sing. It was fucking primal…
But seriously, I’m fucking sick of this shit. The worst pat of this is that at the beginning of this “song” some retard DJ shouts out “New Cupid!!” just like every other really fucking bad rap song. Who the fuck is this Cupid guy anyway? I guarantee you that you can’t tell me either without looking his ass up on Wikipedia or something.
Well I took the liberty of researching this clown (cuz I come somewhat prepared when I rant). He’s just some hip-hop also-ran douche-bag (that’s a lot of hyphenated words…) who enjoyed some local success wherever the fuck he’s from.
Basically, he’s no Lil’ Wayne. He’s not even Lil’ Zayne. (he exists, trust me…)
What I wanna know is, when is this fuckhead fad gonna end? I mean the Macarena ended. The Ketchup Song faded quickly out of the pop culture landscape with barely a dent. When can I look forward to a Cupid Free Karaoke Night? Cuz if I have to listen to this shit again, I swear I’m gonna rage.
Before I leave you, a quick word about Soulja Boy, Tell ‘Em. Now, I have to admit, the Novelty Dance associated with “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” is kinda cool to watch, especially when you get a whole bunch of coordinated dancers doing it. But this song is really fucking stupid. I mean incredibly fucking stupid.
Who the fuck gave this waste of space a recording contract? They need to be publicly shamed.
Not only does the production value of the music sound like it was tossed together by a 6 year old autistic kid, but this retard’s lyrics are, to use the current vernacular, “mad wack”.
Notorious BIG, he is not. He’s not even Ma$e.
Not only does this fucking goof need to be executed for crimes against music, but “fans” of his music should be required to “crank that” till they collapse and then beaten till they’re unconscious.
I think I’m losing it…sorry.
ThanXXX for reading…and remember: Crank that Soulja Boy, THEN Superman that ho…
------------------------------------------Jaymz
