Dude, I can’t dance.
It’s a combination of being white, having no coordination and being really, really shy. That being the case, I’ve always found myself very uncomfortable at dance clubs. I never really danced much except one time at In Extremis (back in the day!!) and sometimes in my room wearing only boxer shorts, getting down to Madonna’s “Into the Groove”.
Don’t laugh. You do it, too.
However, during my early twenties, I often found myself at Country Music Dance Halls. So there I was, Captain Shy listening to music I couldn’t stand in an environment that made me super self-conscious. It’s a wonder how I ever got laid. But I did.
But that’s not the point.
You see, it was these dance clubs that I was familiarized with line dancing. I always thought it looked kinda cool; everyone dancing in synchronization with each other. But I’m an uncoordinated doofus with two left feet, so I never indulged. One time in San Dimas (San Dimas High School Football Rules!!!) a cute girl tried to teach me to two-step, but it never took.
So I would play pool and drink till I couldn’t feel feelings anymore.
The thing is, They’d play these really fuckin’ annoying songs. Songs that weren’t even really songs. Like “the Stroke”. Goddamn that song is fuckin’ annoying.
So I started avoiding dance halls like the fuckin’ plague. Every time we go to Ybor, Art always wants to go to some fuckin’ hip-hop club, like Empire or the Full Moon Saloon. Luckily his ass gets out-voted and we usually wind up at Gaspar’s Grotto.
The thing is, a year or so ago, I wound up at the Gator Club in Downtown Sarasota for my friend CeCe’s birthday. I dropped in for a bit and got wrangled into a group dance by my friend Stephanie. It’s hard to say no to her cuz she’s very pretty…I mean, convincing. ANYWAYZ, I feel out the little moves and it’s not all that complicated, so I join in.
It was kinda fun, but due to having a robot knee, it gets to be very fucking painful. And that was how I was introduced to the Cupid Shuffle.
At first, I didn’t mind it. I tried again a few weeks later when my friend Rockei was hosting karaoke at Ace’s Lounge in Bradenton. Again kinda fun, super painful. That was it, I gave up on being able to dance. It’s a shame, too, cuz I would have liked to perhaps learn to ballroom dance one day. Bummer.
So I started to resent hearing the Stupid Shuffle. Resentment turned quickly to anger. You see, I avoided dance clubs, because I prefer rock & roll bars and karaoke dives. There should be less of a chance of running into this shit if you don’t go to the places it’s played.
But no, Rockei and Dean would put this garbage on about halfway thru the night during karaoke. No thanks guys, I came here to sing, not listen to garbage music while heifers get their proverbial “groove on”. So I would get pissed. Then Cupid Shuffle would lead into various other stupid fucking dances…I’d start getting super pissed.
Karaoke is an addiction, people. Actually, performing is the real addiction. Karaoke is really my methadone to playing in a band. I NEED to get onstage and sing or I’ll fucking lose it. I watched the movie Duets, which is about karaoke, and I got an overwhelming desire to sing. It was fucking primal…
But seriously, I’m fucking sick of this shit. The worst pat of this is that at the beginning of this “song” some retard DJ shouts out “New Cupid!!” just like every other really fucking bad rap song. Who the fuck is this Cupid guy anyway? I guarantee you that you can’t tell me either without looking his ass up on Wikipedia or something.
Well I took the liberty of researching this clown (cuz I come somewhat prepared when I rant). He’s just some hip-hop also-ran douche-bag (that’s a lot of hyphenated words…) who enjoyed some local success wherever the fuck he’s from.
Basically, he’s no Lil’ Wayne. He’s not even Lil’ Zayne. (he exists, trust me…)
What I wanna know is, when is this fuckhead fad gonna end? I mean the Macarena ended. The Ketchup Song faded quickly out of the pop culture landscape with barely a dent. When can I look forward to a Cupid Free Karaoke Night? Cuz if I have to listen to this shit again, I swear I’m gonna rage.
Before I leave you, a quick word about Soulja Boy, Tell ‘Em. Now, I have to admit, the Novelty Dance associated with “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” is kinda cool to watch, especially when you get a whole bunch of coordinated dancers doing it. But this song is really fucking stupid. I mean incredibly fucking stupid.
Who the fuck gave this waste of space a recording contract? They need to be publicly shamed.
Not only does the production value of the music sound like it was tossed together by a 6 year old autistic kid, but this retard’s lyrics are, to use the current vernacular, “mad wack”.
Notorious BIG, he is not. He’s not even Ma$e.
Not only does this fucking goof need to be executed for crimes against music, but “fans” of his music should be required to “crank that” till they collapse and then beaten till they’re unconscious.
I think I’m losing it…sorry.
ThanXXX for reading…and remember: Crank that Soulja Boy, THEN Superman that ho…
------------------------------------------Jaymz
What the fuck is wrong with women these days?
I just got dumped by a girl the other day. We only really dated for about 3 weeks or so, but I honestly really liked her. I’ve been depressed and lonely for a long time now, and it was incredibly nice to feel attractive to someone to whom I was also rather attracted to, myself.
She confided in me that she’d never been out on a real romantic date before in her life. How does that not happen? How does a girl make it to her mid twenties without being treated like a real lady? That actually broke my heart a little inside. I believe that every single woman deserves to be taken on a real date by the guy she likes. I would have been honored to be the first to be that kind of man for her.
But I guess that’s the operative word here. MAN.
She’s dated nothing but little boys her entire adult life. Albeit, she’s only 24, and not many guys of her generation understand what being a man really means. Shit, what did most of us know at that age, anyways. Besides me, cuz I’m fucking awesome.
It’s true that there were many things that hindered our budding interest in each other. My life transition, a career snafu where we both ended up working nights, my need to take it slow due to my fears of being hurt and busy schedule. Not to mention the loose ends of my previous relationship.
Despite all that, I really liked her and really wanted to make this relationship work. It made me happy to think about her. I was excited to see her again when we actually got the chance. I even ditched the “pay-as-you-go” bullshit phone just to be better connected to her. (I did that for other reasons as well, but she was the deciding factor.)
Turns out I wasn’t good enough for her. It was my fault really, cuz I was under the impression that she was looking for a man. After all, she did get all pissy-pants with me cuz I didn’t defend her when some of our less mature male friends were politely molesting her. This, of course, was before we ever even thought of dating.
But alas, she doesn’t want me. She wants to be with a guy that’s into puppies and video games. She doesn’t want a Man, she wants a Man-Child. What the actual fuck?
I’ve been working my balls off the past few months to shake off the Man-Child stigma I had inadvertently let myself slip into. I don’t want to be broke, depressed and living on my dad’s couch anymore. I’m tired of watching the same movies over and over and reading the same books just to stave off boredom. I want to work on my art projects and build things using the manly skills I’ve developed by going out and being a goddamn man. That is, when I’m not at work at the manufacturing plant, which believe is one of the manliest jobs a guy can have
Nope. Video games. That’s what’s important to her.
I’m sorry, but I don’t play HALO. I tried once, sucked at it, and don’t feel the need to develop the skill set required to be any good. I’ve got shit to do. I stopped playing video games when I was twelve fucking years old, cuz I’d rather play in the damn woods building forts and using my fucking imagination.
I don’t feel the need to play Call of Duty, cuz I actually answered the REAL goddamn Call of Duty and “played guns” for fucking real. And in reality, it’s fucking scary as shit even when shots aren’t being fired.
And yes, I hate animals. I’m a selfish human being and don’t feel like picking up after a shit machine who flips the fuck out every time someone knocks on the door. For security, I’d rather have a gun. I can control a fucking gun.
So, it’s her fucking loss. I happen to know that I make a caring, thoughtful and affectionate boyfriend. I’m also a skillful and considerate lover. So by all means go be with a fat, lazy, irresponsible Man-Child who has no idea what to do with his penis (or tongue for that matter…). Most of them look like the previously mentioned immature friends, that you feel like you’re too good for. Me, I’m keeping my eye out for a woman who loves adventure and wants to do more with life than hate her job, play video games and sit around feeling “blah”.
Which brings me to another subject along similar lines.
Where are all the really good guys out there? You hear it all the time in films and television programs. You also hear it from your single female friends. The answer? You bitches have scared them all away.
I know you like to think you’re not a bitch. You’re not “psycho” at all. Well, you probably are. Don’t take my word for it, ask your ex-boyfriends. And all the guys they’ve told, which is probably quite a few.
I have a friend who recently attempted to start a relationship with a really great guy who happened to be going thru a divorce and possible custody battle. He has a sweet job and also happens to be a handsome and talented musician. A real catch.
But, unfortunately, he has a very busy and complex life. Now my friend also happens to have a few complex details to her life as well, so you’d think she’d have some sympathy. Nope. “How come he’s too busy to see me? Why can’t he spend more time with me? Why does he have to hide me from his soon to be ex-wife? Why doesn’t he call or text me every single day?”
Cuz he’s goddamn busy, that’s why.
Ladies, a really good guy is a fucking complicated guy. We have jobs, we have various activities, some of us even have children. Our lives aren’t a walk in the goddamn park and we often need to concentrate our time and energies into accomplishing our goals. And your goddamn whining every five goddamn minutes isn’t goddamn helping.
It doesn’t mean we don’t care and it certainly doesn’t mean we’ve lost interest. And to be perfectly honest, your weird lifestyle doesn’t make it anymore enticing. For fuck’s sake, fix your own shit and we’ll quite possibly make more of a fucking effort. Fuckl!!
You want a good man, but you don’t want all the complications of dating an ACTUAL DECENT GUY. No, you have this magical, romantic ideal that only exists in romantic comedies starring Kate Hudson. Seriously, watch How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days, but pretend Matthew McConaughey isn’t trying to hang onto her for the sake of his career. That’s you. Period. Roll credits.
You know who has time to call you everyday and spend all the time in the world catering to your needs? The guy sleeping on his parents couch with no job and plays HALO for 10+ hours a day. He’s got nothing in the world better to do. In fact, I know a few and I’d be happy to give their number. However, they don’t all look like Dane Cook. Most of them resemble Kevin Smith.
But that’s the price you pay for a guy who will be there for you at you goddamn beckon call.
So be patient with a good man or date a Man-Child. It’s up to you.
ThanXXX for reading…
--------------------------------------Jaymz
