Current Mood: bored
Let me tell you a story...
What seems like a lifetime ago, I had a friend who worked at the (now defunct) Main Street Bookshop. The girl I was dating at the time also worked there with her, but I'm not going to get into that. But we used to visit from time to time, bug the hell out of our friend and ask her where we could find Clown Themed Erotica.
Hilarious.
One day, while perusing the front entry way and petting the kitties who used to live there, there was a giant stack of books sitting next to a chair. It was all the same book (what the industry calls Rock Bottom Remainders - thanxxx SK!!) and it was the size of a fucking bible.
The title of this piece of literature was the Crimson Petal and the White, and there was a sign sitting next to the pile saying something along the lines of "For Sale 5 cents". This is a nearly nine hundred (900) page novel for a fucking nickel. Written all over this book are words of praise, such as:
NATIONAL BESTSELLER (written in bold capitals at the top of the book)
"A big, sexy, bravura novel. Wildly entertaining" -so says the New York Times book critic.
Harvest Reading Guide
New York Times Notable Book
Named a Best Book of the Year (2002 is when it was published) by People (there's a reputable news outlet) Entertainment Weekly and the Chicago Tribune.
It also received much praise from such publications as TIME, the Boston Globe, the Seattle Time, USA Today, the Financial Times (London), the Miami Herald, Bookpage, the Onion (another fine reputable news source), the Guardian, and Booklist.
And that's not even half of the newspapers and magazines giving it hugely positive reviews. In all there were 37 different news outlets referenced. THIRTY-SEVEN. In a Row!!! And if I may digress a little, my paperback copy of Needful Things, a masterpiece written by one of the greatest and most popular American writers of the 20th Century Mr. Stephen King, has a mere 5 positive reviews published within the cover. Albeit, I believe my copy is possibly a second or third edition, my First Edition Paperback copy of the Drawing of the Three (also Mr. King) has 4. That's it.
My point is, someone along the line somewhere, fucked up. Obviously the author, Michael Faber, is not really as good as these book critics would have you believe.
But back to the story...
I was buying some other book, possibly Breakfast of Champions by the late and awesomely great Kurt Vonnegut on recommendation from previously mentioned friend, and I figured, what the Hell. I coughed up my nickel and purchased the Crimson Petal and the White.
As many of my readers know, I'm a full on book nerd. I fucking read the shit out of 'em. And because of my current situation (no job, no TV, no life) I have the opportunity to read pretty much night and day. Which, of course, I do.
This book sat next to my bed for fucking ages. Along with my copy of Charles Dickens’ Bleak House, which I got two or three paragraphs into and gave the fuck up. When I moved, I packed many of my books away into a giant Rubbermaid tub and haven't fucked with them since. Well, I've been reading pretty much all the books my father has lying around that seem to interest me including re-reading the Dark Tower Saga (backwards, with the new version of the Gunslinger) and my entire Chuck Palahniuk collection.
I was up in Bradenton one night, and decided to grab some books out of my estranged library. After debating with myself, I finally decided it was high time I sat down and read this book I had purchased (for 5 cents) so many years ago. And I did.
Oh dear lord it was one of the most boring reads I've ever had. It wasn't Bleak House, but Christ Almighty it was damn close. And you know what the problem was? No discernible plot. It was like Wuthering Heights or Days of Our Lives: 19th Century England Style. Sure it had loads of drunks and whores, but it just kept going on and on from character to character with no clue as to where it was going.
Now I can tolerate that in a movie, especially if there are great characters I can identify with, but in a long novel with no good characters? Not so much. Not a single redeeming character I could identify with, just a bunch of selfish conniving bastards, the lot of them. Well, except for the main characters brother who was a Hardcore Christian, and only wanted to help people and spread the word of Jesus. And he got killed in a house fire that was completely glossed over in the story. Just one minute, he's in the arms of the woman he loves and the next chapter, dead. Lame.
The book was so fucking mind numbing that I stopped about a quarter of the way through and read Stephen King's IT (which, at almost 900 pages, is one of his longest works along with the Stand, the Tommyknockers and Needful Things) as well as Richard Bachman's the Regulators. It was only after that, that I had the courage to pick up Crimson Petal... and finish the son-of-a-bitch.
My point...well, I guess I don't have one. I dunno, I was bored and wanted to tell this story.
ThanXXX for reading. And keep reading...
===============Evil Jaymz============
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